A Stableford Story at Airways — Part the Third
by Dr. Seuss (who is beginning to wonder if these golfers need a different hobby)
One birdie this season. Just one. Only one. Kevin Kearns, hole nine, Week One — and since then? NONE.
A hundred and seventy-one holes have been played. One birdie came out. The rest? ALL dismayed.
The birdie is lonely. It sits on its shelf. It's starting to wonder if it MADE itself.
But ten golfers showed up on this Tuesday in spring, and though birdies stayed hidden, there WAS a big thing...
Now Kevin — GALLAGHER — started out BAD. Bogey, then double, then bogey. How sad!
Another bogey on four, then a TRIPLE on five! Through five holes of golf he was barely alive.
The voice in his head said, "Go home. Pack it in. This round is a DUMPSTER. You cannot possibly win."
But Kevin said NO. Or perhaps Kevin said NOTHING. He just stepped to hole six and did something... SOMETHING.
He parred it. A four. Clean and simple and true. Then he parred hole SEVEN — a three! Through and through!
Then he parred hole EIGHT! Then he parred number NINE! FOUR PARS IN A ROW in a perfect straight line!
No one ALL SEASON had done such a feat — four pars back to back with no stumble, no beat!
Eleven whole points! Four bonus points too! On a target of seven, Kevin G. broke right through!
McKone parred the sixth, and Kearns parred the ninth, but NOBODY else parred a single hole. Fine-th.
(That's not a word. But I'm Seuss. It's okay. I once rhymed "Lorax" with "Snorax." Good day.)
Seven pars on the SEASON — the most in the league! Kevin Gallagher's rolling! He's on a PAR-STREAK!
(Kearns has five. That's the next-closest count. Kevin G. leads by two — a significant amount.)
Now DEYETTE — Dave Deyette — the Bogey Whisperer, they say. He bogeyed SEVEN of nine holes on this fine Tuesday.
Not a par to be found! Not a birdie in sight! Just bogey, bogey, bogey, bogey, bogey — all night!
(Well, seven. Not nine. Holes three and four went astray. A quad and a triple got rudely in the way.)
But SEVEN bogey points on a target of four? That's three bonus points! Who could ask for much more?
After Week Two's disaster — one point, what a fright — Dave bounced back to seven, and the world felt more right.
SIX bonus points now on the season! He LEADS! Dave Deyette grows his points like a farmer grows seeds.
Quietly. Slowly. One bogey at a time. No flash. No pizzazz. But the man knows how to climb.
Now HERE is where nightmares and bogeymen dwell. The THIRD HOLE at Airways — the mouth of all hell.
SIX players shot EIGHT. Let me say that again. SIX PLAYERS SHOT EIGHT ON A PAR-FOUR. Amen.
Cowles! Deyette! Bill Gallagher! John! Oravec and Wieland! Their scorecards? ALL GONE.
Kearns and McKone shot sevens — a triple apiece. And Jarvis shot six, which was DOUBLE — no peace.
But KEVIN GALLAGHER — yes, HIM, once again — shot FIVE on the third hole. A bogey! A TEN-
...well, not ten. A five. But it FELT like a ten out of ten! A gold star! The BEST score that hole has SEEN!
In nineteen whole rounds on hole three this year, NOT ONE SINGLE PAR has anyone come near.
One bogey. JUST ONE. Kevin G., and that's it. The rest? Doubles and triples and quads in a pit.
Seven-point-two is the average. Plus THREE over par. Hole three doesn't care who you think that you are.
But WAIT — there is MORE to this dark, dismal tale. The FOURTH hole — par five — also made the field wail.
Eight of ten players made double or worse! John Gallagher shot NINE — like a golf-shaped curse.
And holes ONE through FIVE — all fifty attempts? — produced ZERO pars. None. Zilch. No contents.
Fifty swings at five holes and not ONE par was had! The front half of the front nine is SPECTACULARLY bad.
BUT THEN! Oh, but THEN! Starting hole number six, the course got a LITTLE less fond of its tricks.
Holes six through nine gave up all six of the pars, and twenty of thirty-three bogeys — those beautiful stars!
Hole seven gave up five bogeys (not bad!) plus Kevin G.'s par (the best night he's had).
Hole eight did the same — five bogeys, one par. (Kevin G. again. Yes, THAT Kevin. That star.)
The DIFFERENCE was stark between holes one-through-five and holes six-through-nine. It's like... two courses LIVE
side by side on one track — one BITES and one PURRS. One takes all your points. The other? It stirs
up some hope in your heart that the game can be fun. Then you remember hole three and you start a dead run.
Now McKone fell SHORT by a single small point. Five on a target of six — out of joint!
A par on the sixth and three bogeys beside (on one, five, and eight) — so CLOSE, yet denied.
And Cowles? Also SHORT by one — three on four. Bogeys five, six, and nine and nothing else more.
His opening FOUR holes? An eight, seven, eight, eight. But he rallied with bogeys! (A little too late.)
John Gallagher posted one point. Only one. A bogey on eight — and the rest? Overdone.
A NINE on the fourth! An eight on hole three! Sevens on one and on two! Oh dear me, oh dear me.
Bill Oravec came BACK after sitting out Week Two — two points was his yield. (Not the grand re-debut.)
And Wieland got two, in a frustrating trend. His season thus far is not making a friend.
Now Jarvis and Kearns — the LOW handicap pair — fell short of their targets by margins UNFAIR.
Jarvis: six on a ten. Kearns: five on a nine. When the front nine plays TOUGH, big targets aren't fine.
And Bill Gallagher's STREAK? Two weeks meeting his mark? This week: three on a six. The end. Snuffed. Dark.
Four doubles, one quad on that villainous three. The last perfect record has fallen. R.I.P.
So here are the numbers — I'll read them out loud. ZERO birdies (again!) for the whole golfing crowd.
Six pars (Kevin G. had four of those six). Thirty-three bogeys total. That's... quite a mix.
Two men met their targets: Gallagher (Kev) and Dave D. Eight others fell short of where they wanted to be.
FIVE players are MISSING — Confrey! Keilich! Zogbaum! Three weeks and they STILL haven't come out of their room!
Alvarez, gone since Week One! Stadnicki, since Two! Their faces on milk cartons? That might be past due.
The front nine is quiet now. Dark. Still. Asleep. Hole three softly chuckling, its secrets to keep.
But NEXT WEEK — the back nine! A change! Something new! Perhaps there's a birdie just waiting to FLEW.
(Fly. Waiting to FLY. But "flew" rhymed much better. I'm a doctor of rhyming, not a grammar go-getter.)
The season rolls on! Week Four's on the way! And Kevin Gallagher's pars are the talk of the day.
The End. (Once more.) (For now.) (We think.) (Hole three disagrees.)
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